Goon

I rented Goon for dollar and I'm not certain it was well spent. There was some cool stuff, but it was clear that this film was made for $28. Everything about it was cheap except for Liev Schreiber, who should have a spin-off. Schreiber is the uber-thug, recently suspended for a Marty McSorley-esque high stick to some dudes head. Sean William Scott can't skate or do anything hockey related, but he can fight like a God. He's signed on to a minor league local club to be the enforcer, then sent up a league to protect uber-star who suffered a massive concussion at the hands of Schreiber and hasn't been the same since. It's pretty harmless and predictable, but entertaining. I seriously hope Schreiber gets a spin-off. He has a Barry Melrose mullet and amazing fu-manchu stache and is all around awesome. There's a love story that pretty much just takes up time and attempts to add depth to the story, but it's not very good, the best is the comedy from the fights.

Bottom Line: 6.5 out of 10. If it's on TV, which it surely will be shortly, I recommend a watch, or a dollar rental. I think it was a ploy for Jay Baruchel to have Sean William Scott be Jewish or something to make them seem like badasses?

Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

I want to, as usual, try to preface bias that I personally have that will come up in the film I'm reviewing. I hate when movies use partial truths, or even truthful things, then bastardize (shit all over) them just to make things viable in their movie. This is the entire movie, and it pissed me off safe to say. When you're making a B-movie (at best), don't try to actually make it a real movie with a love story and historical events. I wanted to see brainless action and vampire slaughter. I got occasional vampire killing mixed with half-assed history lessons full of half-truths they use liberally to try to make you believe it's possible Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter. It was OK, I just didn't like to sit there and watch the bullshit mount. The CGI is OK, the vampire killing is pretty enjoyable, they weave a barely acceptable story of how vampire hunting, Honest Abe, and the Civil War could all blend together. It's far from Army of Darkness and I can't really recommend it in any capacity.

Bottom Line: 3.6 out of 10. It had some entertaining moments, but that's all your going to get out of it. The acting really isn't horrific, Ben Walker is a decent Lincoln, you'll recognize some of the other actors, but don't see this fucking thing.

CAWHNTRAHBAHND (Contraband)

Mark Wahlberg + Boston accent= Good film.
Simple equation.

Wahlberg stars as a former smuggling all-star (At the DAWHKS) turned father/ home security installer. He goes straight, starts his own business, you see where this is going. Tragically underused Kate Beckinsale (She can't be in front of the camera enough in my eyes) plays his wife who has a grand-class fuck-up brother who throws drugs overboard when their ship gets searched. Giovanni Ribisi (Again excellent) demands the money and won't give Wahlberg more than two weeks to get it. Wahlberg then engages in smuggling insanity to get $700K, or something like that. The movie follows Ribisi terrorizing his family and his adventure to smuggle counterfeit bills to make the debt up. He of course has to bring uber-fucker-uper brother along. It's a clusterfuck, but you are kept in the darkness for the most part.

Bottom Line: 7.6 out of 10.
Worth a rental, if nothing else it's worth it for the accents.

Ted

I was really excited for Ted after seeing the profane trailer. I was looking for mindless humor from a teddy bear that cursed and acted insanely inappropriate, but this ventured too much into the Walberg/Kunis love story for me. This was not a showcase for Ted, but rather a love story with Ted being a funny side character. Kunis after four years of dating Wahlberg's character (John Bennett) realizes he isn't going anywhere/doing anything with his life and offers an ultimatum to have Ted move out and do his own thing. Wahlberg can't stay away from his best friend of the past 30 years and relapses. Here's where the humor and fun lie. Ted and John hanging out and getting into trouble. This has a great cast of Wahlberg, Kunis, Seth McFarlane, Patrick Wharburton in a tragically small role, Giovanni Ribisi, and Joel Mchale. It's still funny and worth watching, it's just not the movie I was expecting.

Bottom line: Don't spend $10 on this one, but definitely rent it when it's out. It's some cheap laughs from some very good actors and a love story that detracts from those things.

The Not Special in Any Way Spiderman

I'll preface this by saying though I don't read the comic books, I know about Spider-man. Peter Parker is a clumsy, nerdy, uber-smart kid who stumbles into greatness getting bit by a radioactive spider. Andrew Garfield played him as a smug emo fuck and that pissed me right off. This movie offered a slightly different spin on Spider-man's origin and made a bastardization of the character of Peter Parker. I like the lizard and can defend Rhys Ifans playing Dr. Kurt Connors, but once again there were certainly other choices that would've been better (Show me Mark Ruffalo). Upgrades in Martin Sheen, Dennis Leary, and Emma Stone, but HUGE downgrades with Garfield and Ifans over the first Spider-man. It offers some nice special effects, a cameo that I confirmed with IMDB featuring C. Thomas Howell, decent acting by Stone, Leary, Sheen, and Sally Fields, but all in pretty limited roles besides Stone. I was not much of a fan in any capacity of this film. Fell short of being a Summer blockbuster, falls into the "spent a bunch of money and it's OK" role of Summer film.

Bottom Line: 6.1 out of 10. Really didn't do much for me in anything. I couldn't get over my hatred for Andrew Garfield and how he had no Peter Parker qualities in my opinion. Watch when it's on TNT in two years.

21 Jumpstreet

I was frightful of this one, but I laughed a ton. I hate Channing Tatum and really can't call myself a huge Jonah Hill fan, but I love profanity. This is chocked full of profanity, enough to make you suffer through Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum. Ice Cube is hilarious, albeit seldom used, as the Captain in charge of "21 Jumpstreet". The premise is ridiculous, but there's a bunch of stuff to laugh at. If you like weird/funny situations and a bunch of cursing, this is certainly worth a viewing. Solid cameos, craziness, cursing, BAM!

Bottom Line: 6.8 out of 10. It's really entertaining and refreshingly ridiculous. There's some shit I saw and even in a comedy it was too stupid/ridiculous, but I laughed a fuckload.

Prometheus

Long overdue, but I really haven't seen anything in theaters besides Avengers despite having a movie passport that gives me unlimited movies for the $300 I already threw in (IDIOT).
Prometheus I took a flyer on because I generally like Ridley Scott and I really like the Alien mythology, or whatever you want to call it. Underrated cast that's just rock solid, but I feel like Idris Elba and Charlize Theron were underused. The main characters are actually Naomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender, and Logan Marshall-Green, and while all do great, especially Fassbender, though I thought Repace did great with a tough roll. I just thought especially Theron was woefully underused. The story really doesn't deal a TON with the Alien mythology, it's just in the background really. The real story is the hunt for mankind's beginning by following archaeological findings from cave paintings of the same configurations. They find a planet/system matching the markings and the adventure is on. They have a standard crew of scientists mixed with "grunts". It's really the story of the planet they find more than anything else. It's well done and lends some explanation to the alien mythology, but it's a story that stands on its own. I did get pissed off at some points because with all movies like this people do unthinkably stupid shit that you can't possibly understand or buy as feasible, but it's not overwhelming.

Bottom Line: 7.2 out of 10. Summer blockbuster it isn't, something worth $10 and a couple hours of impressive film it is, YODA-ESQUE I KNOW. It's worth seeing, but don't expect mind-blowing greatness on this one.

www.nintendo1up.com

My friend Travis made a cool website comparing Nintendo games in a head's up format that everyone should check-out.

www.nintendo1up.com

It also has a greater purpose to endorse tournaments/group playing of older Nintendo games. Anyone thinks they can hold a candle to me in Dusty Diamond's Softball, Baseball All-Stars, or Tecmo NBA or Super Bowl can fucking bring. If anyone wants a great Contra/Jackal teammate, holler at your boy.

The Avengers- AMURRRICA ASSSSEEEEMMMMMBBBBBLLLLEEEE

I jumped on the bandwagon and saw The Avengers in 3D on Sunday night. Not certain if it was just me or not, but it felt like someone raped my eye sockets for 15 minutes a piece afterward. The movie itself was very good and well done surprisingly. The cast is top-to-bottom just excellent. Any movie where Stellan Skaarsgard, I don't know how to do the cool thing over the A in his name, but that's a damn good film. The premise is that Thor's mischievous Demigod brother Loki takes the Tesseract, a glowing square of power to provide earth with limitless free/clean energy. Loki plans on letting space people help him conquer earth, then rule us with an iron fist. Loki has some powers, like being able to enslave people with a touch of some weird wand, but he doesn't use it very often, which doesn't make much sense. He breaks into S.H.I.E.L.D, steals it, enslaves Skaarsgard and Renner (Hawkeye) and moves on to building a portal for his army. The heroes slowly trickle in and piss each other off, then Thor joins the party and gets into it with Iron Man, which is awesome. They imprison Loki and then shit gets crazy. It's super entertaining, with really only a few minutes where things are boring. The last hour is pretty much balls-out action. Robert Downey Jr. is his standard awesome Tony Stark keeping the bullshit and corny stuff to a minimum. Ruffalo is awesome as Bruce Banner/ The Hulk. Scarlett Johanson looks amazing in tight clothing, it's got just about everything. It avoids being too corny and over-done.

Bottom Line: 8.7 out of 10. It's really a solid film that's absolutely worth seeing in theaters to kick-off the summer movie season.

Side note: I bought a "passport" from Marcus Theaters for $300 allowing me unlimited movies for a year, so I'm pretty pumped and may be seeing this again in 2D just because.

Junior Seau

Another sad moment besmirched the NFL yesterday when Junior Seau took his life without a note or any kind of notice. It was crushing to hear Marcellus Wiley struggle through his recollections of how great of a person Seau was. Most frustratingly is the comments linking this with Dave Duerson's suicide. The tragic moment has already taken on an ulterior motive of Seau's brain being damaged from years of concussions. It does bother me that multiple concussions are being used to explain erratic behavior in for NFL players. I've picked up at least two concussions playing football in my lifetime, I can't imagine what an entire career at a much higher level could potentially do to you. What I don't like is the fact that there are a lot of other people with a lot of concussions that don't kill themselves, so it's bothersome that concussions get all the attention. I completely agree that pain/dementia/other issues related to concussions can certainly play a role, but I would like more on the subject besides the fact that there was a lot of brain trauma caused playing football. Boxers, hockey/LaCrosse/wrestlers and other athletes experience a lot of brain trauma too, where is all the uproar? The problem runs deeper, and while concussions are a bad thing not understood nearly enough, the rabbit hole runs deeper.