Expendables 2: MORE EXPENDABLER

You know what you're getting into when you walk into this movie. Old dudes, guns, action, shitty acting & cliches, and explosions. It delivers on all levels. It's pretty entertaining honestly. It's straight forward, fails at humor attempts and drama, but there's a shitload of shooting and SPLOSIONS. I pretty much called the plot out from moment 1, but it's still not disappointing. Again I think Stallone is in the movie WAYYY too much and the other "stars" get underused, Jet Li CRIMINALLY underused. Plot: Stallone (Barney Ross) still owes Bruce Willis (Church) from the first Expendables movie because despite destroying the entire army on the island, he failed Willis' mission. Stallone is to retrieve a box in Eastern Europe, bring it back to America, everyone is equal. Box retrieval turns into an unholy shitshow, craziness ensues, Jean Claude Van Damme= BAD GUY who must die & lose. It panders to a certain audience and I subscribe to being entertained by shameless and crazy violence, call me weird.

Bottom Line: 6.8 out of 10. I was entertained for an hour of this, and that's not too bad. A few cheap laughs hit, lots of sweet violencia. I don't know if you should pay money to see this unless you know you love shameless death and violence, but it's fun.

J. Edgar- J. Edgar SNOOZER more like it

Leo DiCaprio went in search of Oscar hardware doing a difficult biopic on J. Edgar Hoover. The J. stands for John by the way, shocker! Problem being the interesting parts of Hoover's life, spying, cross-dressing, having people killed, etc, are really not enhanced enough to make it interesting. What you end up with is 2.5 hours of an old guy talking like an old guy about his life in a boring way. There's so little interesting it's honestly offensive to think it was a major motion picture. I'd expect this shit from the History channel, minus Eastwide and Di Caprio, Naomi Watts I can see in a History Channel picture, provided it filmed in Australia. I love history and found some solace in hearing what I presume was Hoover's own words about the events he defined in American history. Bottom Line: 5.9 out of 10. Really unimpressive stuff from impressive people. Disappointing and uninteresting to the core.

Total Recall- Colin Ferrell Edition

I never saw the original Total Recall completely, so it's probably better that way. I was actually surprised with the film because it was decent. It gets a little ridiculous, I believe they broke the record for most bullets shot without hitting anyone originally held by Rambo 3, but I lived with it. The story is Colin Ferrell has dreams where he and Jessica Biel (HOT) are trying to escape from something and he's captured and she gets away. His wife, Kate Beckinsale (SO HOT), is an EMT worker who seems like the perfect wife. Ferrell doesn't like his life as a factory worker manufacturing synthetic soldiers and yearns for more. He goes to "Rekall" where they implant whatever memory you want, but the catch is it has to be a lie with no basis in reality. Since Ferrell wants to play a secret agent, but actually is one, it all goes to shit. He's on the run, everyone he knows is trying to kill him and it gets a little ridiculous. There wasn't anything glaring that I screamed bullshit at, but they escape with 30 machine guns firing at them from a glass room somehow and things like that happen a few times and it gets hard to chew. It moves at a nice pace and has plenty of action, so that isn't terrible.

Bottom Line: 6.7 out of 10. It wasn't awful, just nothing special, as you probably could have guessed without ever seeing it. God I love Kate Beckinsale.

Nitro Circus 3D

I wasn't super familiar with Nitro Circus. I knew they were kind of like Jackass, only Travis Pastrana legitimized them and they had more talent. This movie is motorsports porn pretty much. It's just a bunch of jumps, ramps, tricks, on modified big wheels, motorbikes, and other stuff. It's pretty impressive, but it was pretty much a promotional video for their live show in Vegas. I'm betting heavily they are going to try a nationwide tour because that's the only way this made any sense. It a bunch of high jumps with motor vehicles make your dick hard, I've found your film. They aren't as funny or charismatic as Jackass, but they have a lot more talent. I choose Jackass personally, but I'm not a big "motorhead". 3D was kind of cool, but it's not worth paying for, unless motortricks gives you pleasure.

Bottom Line: 6.2 out of 10. It's entertaining, mindless fun, but not worth throwing money at, similar to Jackass 3D.