The Watch

The Watch simply combines the almost standard roles of Ben Stiller (over-serious aging guy, Vince Vaughn (Loveable slacker, I think he says "I dig it" about 7 times, and Jonah Hill (Profane loser/momma's boy) into a comedy including aliens. Upon the murder of Stiller's Costco security guard (Side note: If Costco didn't chip in for this film I'd be shocked) he forms a neighborhood watch. Their job of patrolling the neighborhood is made infinitely more difficult by the hilarious Will Forte as a local Sgt, and aliens murdering people. It's cheap laughs and a barely plausible plot that's a cheap vehicle for the mentioned actors to make easy money being characters they have figured out. You'll laugh sometimes, that's about it.

Bottom Line: 6.8 out of 10. It's worth seeing when it's free because of some laughs, but that's about it. Pretty much a Shaun of the Dead with aliens and less British accents.

Summer Olympics, SO AWESOME

I am just ecstatic to watch some Olympic greatness. I love the team handball, badminton, tennis (especially doubles), table tennis, water polo, volleyball, and pretty much everything not covered on mainstream NBC. I like swimming, track & field, and gymnastics, but those other sports are so frenetic and exciting I feel they mop the floor with the old standards. Handball scores in like 30-28, how great is that? Badminton points happen in the blink of an eye, same with table tennis. There's almost as much doubles as singles for tennis on Bravo. It's just been a joy. I seriously wish I could take another week off of work and just soak in all the programming. Any sports I'm missing here?

USA baby.

Arrested Development

I had some time this week to go through the entire series of Arrested Development and I loved it. It's an amazing combination of talent and chemistry. You will never get a collection to match Jason Bateman, Will Arnett, David Cross, Jeff Tambor, Jessica Walter, Portia de Rossi, and Michael Cera. They work SO well together and have the comedic chemistry that you can't create, it just flows beautifully. There are great running jokes throughout and just excellent writing. I don't know where this show failed, but I'm thinking it was too smart perhaps, or it's difficult to jump in after a few episodes and it didn't start out hot enough, or just bad marketing, in any case it was a tragedy. That cast left with fond memories, but the show left too much on the table. Apparently there will be movie made, but it won't be enough. Premise: Incredibly screwed up family owns a real estate company and they get into crazy situations, but you can't possibly make-up the great situations, it's amazing. If you've never seen it, you need to watch from episode 1 and go from there. If you don't like it, I'd be amazed.

Bottom Line: 8.8 out of 10 and probably the best comedy on regular TV, right up there with Modern Family only a little more racy. Well done throughout and a must-see.

Dark Knight Rises

I was completely floored with how good this film was. I, like all others, had to worry that topping The Dark Knight and ending this amazing film trilogy wouldn't be possible. That this, like most other sequels and series climaxes had to be disappointing. That is simply not the case. Christopher Nolan is the best director/writer we have. His cast is sublime: The usual's: Michael Caine, Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, and Morgan Freeman are all in top form, and that's saying something. Caine is the best Alfred possible and gives a few dialogues that were heart-wrenching and amazing, truly brought something special to this film. Newcomers Anne Hathaway (SO HOT), Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hardy, Marion Cotillard and Matthew Modine (among others) all do an amazing job. The story twists and turns and you have no idea what's going to happen next and you are NEVER in control. It's just great film-making on all levels. It's easier to just say everything is great and there's only minor things to even nit-pick about. I left the theater thinking it was the best film I've seen on the big screen and possibly ever.

Bottom Line: 9.9 out of 10. It's the best action/drama film ever made and is the definition of a must-see film. Improving upon it is just personal opinion I feel and there are only about 3-4 things I would've TWEAKED, not even changed. All other directors/filmmakers/writers should be forced to just take notes on Christopher Nolan and how he develops a story and characters. I was blown away. At this point I put it as the best film I can think of with Schindler's List, and that's the highest praise I can think of. They are certainly different films that I don't like comparing, but you can see the greatness in all aspects with both.

SEE THIS IMMEDIATELY, it's a disservice you yourself if you don't. I almost told an older couple going to Spiderman to just turn back around, get tickets to Dark Knight Rises and thank me later. Epic stuff, truly epic.

Traffic

I dusted off the Steven Soderbergh classing Traffic because I honestly didn't remember much about it when asked. It's an excellent film lead by an amazing cast of: Benicio del Toro, Don Cheadle, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Mike Douglas, Salma Hayek, Topher Grace, and Dennis Quaid to name a few. You'll recognize others, but that's not the point. It's a great story on drugs and the relevancy in rich, white people America, as well as in Mexico and America in general. It weaves a group of stories together expertly and with talent EVERYWHERE. The roles are played perfectly and the stories run at a frenetic, yet expertly controlled pace.

Bottom line: 9.1 out of 10. Just a great film that is another MUST SEE movie if you've never experienced. I can't imagine anyone not liking the film due to the excellent quality at every turn.

A Clockwork Orange

I gave another run at a classic film that's gotten Malcolm McDowell works for the last 40 years. A Clockwork Orange is a great film that takes a still relevant and probably always will be topic of society running lives and making everyone a helpless robot and the effects that can have. If you don't know the story McDowell runs a gang of thugs that enjoy beatings, robbery, and rape to pass the boring nights in England. He accidentally murders a lady, gets caught, off to prison. In prison he finds a program of "rehabilitation" run by the newly elected government. It makes him violently ill during his violent or sexual urges. Society runs over his newly pussified form and it makes for great stuff.

Bottom Line: 8.9 out of 10. It's on Encore, go see it somehow if you haven't. It's a little long at around 2 hours, but it's done in a great fashion by Kubrick and it's a very interesting subject to think about.

In Time

I like the concept behind In Time because it's a kind of unique idea, and that's generally missing in the 30 remakes we've seen this year so far. Everyone has clock that has one year of time on it because you stop aging at 25 years and keep riding it out until your clock runs out. Poor people scramble and die, rich people live forever. Somehow Olivia Wilde and Justin Timberlake live day-to-day in ghetto even though they are gorgeous. You purchase everything with your "time". Timberlake stumbles upon a man with over a century of time who wants to die and donates his time to Timberlake. Timberlake's mom, Olivia Moon, dies in his arms because she runs out of time and he goes on a crusade. He infiltrates the rich area of town, starts hanging out with rich folk, but he starts getting followed by King "Timekeeper" (basically police to manage time) Cillian Murphy. He believes he stole the guys time who had a century and it wasn't a donation. Timberlake kidnaps Amanda Seyfried (who looks REALLY good in this movie) and her dad created this time scheme. They start robbing time from his banks and distributing it to the poor. Nothing great, but pretty decent all the same.

Bottom Line: 6.8 out of 10. I like the fresh idea and though it didn't WOW me in any capacity, it was worth watching on HBO.

Savages

I just saw the Olive Stone picture Savages and was pretty impressed with it. Blake Lively does well as the "star", but like so many shows/films now it ties together a lot of complex stories that are all intertwined. It has a great cast: Benicio del Toro, Salma Hayek, Lively, Taylor Kitsch (in a good film for a change), Emile Hirsch (very minor role), and Aaron Johnson (not a fan). It follows Kitsch, Johnson and Lively as the best weed growers in the world living in Laguna Beach. A cartel wants to partner with them, grow their business, etc. Johnson is a hippie and the brains, Kitsch is a badass ex-soldier and is the brawn. They rebuke the cartel, madness ensues. You have some gruesome acts, I just expected more from the trailers I saw. The movie is about 2.5 hours, but it moves quickly and is thoroughly entertaining. Del Toro, per usual, is the real scene stealer. His portrayal of a soulless psycho is amazing and genuinely disturbing/scary.

Bottom Line: 7.3 out of 10. I put it higher than IMDB and liked it. Johnson's character really bothered me with his hippie/pussy bullshit, but it's still very likeable and has a good and surprising ending. It's worth seeing in theaters, but you can wait for the rental too.

Trainspotting

I finally saw Trainspotting, the film most famous for making Ewan McGregor a star, but you'll see some other familiar faces as well. It's probably the most realistic heroin abuse movie I've seen. It follows Rent-Boy (McGregor) and his crew of friends, most are heroin addicts. It talks of the monotony of their lives and shows the lengths of heroin addiction, all the while making it funny and entertaining. There are very serious parts and funny parts all intermingled into a very good film. It makes no apologizes, asks for no sympathy, and moves along at a great pace. There's some excellent dialogue and acting throughout. SPOILER: There is an unforgettable scene with a dead baby that I won't be able to forget. It's just excellent.

Bottom Line: 8.3 out of 10. I HIGHLY recommend running out and renting this film. It's not uplifting or redeeming, but it's just well-done throughout. It's a good film, and that's rare these days.

Goon

I rented Goon for dollar and I'm not certain it was well spent. There was some cool stuff, but it was clear that this film was made for $28. Everything about it was cheap except for Liev Schreiber, who should have a spin-off. Schreiber is the uber-thug, recently suspended for a Marty McSorley-esque high stick to some dudes head. Sean William Scott can't skate or do anything hockey related, but he can fight like a God. He's signed on to a minor league local club to be the enforcer, then sent up a league to protect uber-star who suffered a massive concussion at the hands of Schreiber and hasn't been the same since. It's pretty harmless and predictable, but entertaining. I seriously hope Schreiber gets a spin-off. He has a Barry Melrose mullet and amazing fu-manchu stache and is all around awesome. There's a love story that pretty much just takes up time and attempts to add depth to the story, but it's not very good, the best is the comedy from the fights.

Bottom Line: 6.5 out of 10. If it's on TV, which it surely will be shortly, I recommend a watch, or a dollar rental. I think it was a ploy for Jay Baruchel to have Sean William Scott be Jewish or something to make them seem like badasses?

Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

I want to, as usual, try to preface bias that I personally have that will come up in the film I'm reviewing. I hate when movies use partial truths, or even truthful things, then bastardize (shit all over) them just to make things viable in their movie. This is the entire movie, and it pissed me off safe to say. When you're making a B-movie (at best), don't try to actually make it a real movie with a love story and historical events. I wanted to see brainless action and vampire slaughter. I got occasional vampire killing mixed with half-assed history lessons full of half-truths they use liberally to try to make you believe it's possible Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter. It was OK, I just didn't like to sit there and watch the bullshit mount. The CGI is OK, the vampire killing is pretty enjoyable, they weave a barely acceptable story of how vampire hunting, Honest Abe, and the Civil War could all blend together. It's far from Army of Darkness and I can't really recommend it in any capacity.

Bottom Line: 3.6 out of 10. It had some entertaining moments, but that's all your going to get out of it. The acting really isn't horrific, Ben Walker is a decent Lincoln, you'll recognize some of the other actors, but don't see this fucking thing.

CAWHNTRAHBAHND (Contraband)

Mark Wahlberg + Boston accent= Good film.
Simple equation.

Wahlberg stars as a former smuggling all-star (At the DAWHKS) turned father/ home security installer. He goes straight, starts his own business, you see where this is going. Tragically underused Kate Beckinsale (She can't be in front of the camera enough in my eyes) plays his wife who has a grand-class fuck-up brother who throws drugs overboard when their ship gets searched. Giovanni Ribisi (Again excellent) demands the money and won't give Wahlberg more than two weeks to get it. Wahlberg then engages in smuggling insanity to get $700K, or something like that. The movie follows Ribisi terrorizing his family and his adventure to smuggle counterfeit bills to make the debt up. He of course has to bring uber-fucker-uper brother along. It's a clusterfuck, but you are kept in the darkness for the most part.

Bottom Line: 7.6 out of 10.
Worth a rental, if nothing else it's worth it for the accents.

Ted

I was really excited for Ted after seeing the profane trailer. I was looking for mindless humor from a teddy bear that cursed and acted insanely inappropriate, but this ventured too much into the Walberg/Kunis love story for me. This was not a showcase for Ted, but rather a love story with Ted being a funny side character. Kunis after four years of dating Wahlberg's character (John Bennett) realizes he isn't going anywhere/doing anything with his life and offers an ultimatum to have Ted move out and do his own thing. Wahlberg can't stay away from his best friend of the past 30 years and relapses. Here's where the humor and fun lie. Ted and John hanging out and getting into trouble. This has a great cast of Wahlberg, Kunis, Seth McFarlane, Patrick Wharburton in a tragically small role, Giovanni Ribisi, and Joel Mchale. It's still funny and worth watching, it's just not the movie I was expecting.

Bottom line: Don't spend $10 on this one, but definitely rent it when it's out. It's some cheap laughs from some very good actors and a love story that detracts from those things.

The Not Special in Any Way Spiderman

I'll preface this by saying though I don't read the comic books, I know about Spider-man. Peter Parker is a clumsy, nerdy, uber-smart kid who stumbles into greatness getting bit by a radioactive spider. Andrew Garfield played him as a smug emo fuck and that pissed me right off. This movie offered a slightly different spin on Spider-man's origin and made a bastardization of the character of Peter Parker. I like the lizard and can defend Rhys Ifans playing Dr. Kurt Connors, but once again there were certainly other choices that would've been better (Show me Mark Ruffalo). Upgrades in Martin Sheen, Dennis Leary, and Emma Stone, but HUGE downgrades with Garfield and Ifans over the first Spider-man. It offers some nice special effects, a cameo that I confirmed with IMDB featuring C. Thomas Howell, decent acting by Stone, Leary, Sheen, and Sally Fields, but all in pretty limited roles besides Stone. I was not much of a fan in any capacity of this film. Fell short of being a Summer blockbuster, falls into the "spent a bunch of money and it's OK" role of Summer film.

Bottom Line: 6.1 out of 10. Really didn't do much for me in anything. I couldn't get over my hatred for Andrew Garfield and how he had no Peter Parker qualities in my opinion. Watch when it's on TNT in two years.