Trick or Treating, you are way too old for this shit

SO, when you see a kid that's taller than you in a Jason-esque hockey mask, you know something it wrong. That fucker seemed more likely to be robbing my ass than getting candy. So other bush-league bullshit I got to watch: People pushing a baby stroller with two infants and "collecting" candy on the infants behalf. I'M SURE THE KID WITH NO FUCKING TEETH IS GOING TO ENJOY THE NOW AND LATER'S YOU FUCK'S. Also, how about a black kid going in white face? Should I be OK with that? I was, but I was confused all the same. There is an unspoken rule that anyone that's a teenager should really be hanging up the Trick-or-treating shoes. When I'm seeing you eye-to-eye, give that shit up.

Bad Lieutenant

I really don't know what to think of Bad Lieutenant. Nic Cage plays one hell of a strung out, high, crazy cop. I hate Nic Cage, but he plays a huge fuck-up really well. Very good cast, Val Kilmer, Xzibit, Eva Mendes, some people you'll recognize by face but not name. The story dives into a recently post-Katrina New Orleans. It starts as Nic Cage and Val Kilmer are yelling at a prisoner who is going to drown because Katrina is flooding the holding cell. It ends with Cage jumping into the water and a jump-cut of him at a hospital for severe back issues. His chronic back pain leads him to a life of constant drug abuse, but he's been promoted to Lieutenant. He is trying to solve a multiple homicide that occurred during Katrina that was definitely not drowning. Eva Mendes is his high-priced prostitute girlfriend who he breaks in on after she "does her thing" and shakes down the JOHN. He constantly robs people by acting like he's arresting them for drug violations and basically stumbles through life, but is hell-bent on solving the homicides. Really interesting story, very dark for the most part. It's worth taking a look at sometime and is currently ON DEMAND, or you can borrow the DVD from me as I probably won't be watching it all that often.

Bottom line: 6.8 out of 10. Pretty strong story with good actors. Really strange for the most part.

Jackass: To the THIRD POWER

I totally enjoyed Jackass: 3D. There's a bunch of dick, even more than before, but it's bearable. They are older, but not wiser. They still put themselves in an inordinate amount of danger and it's awesome. I was laughing for most of the film. Laughing, or sitting there in shock. It's pretty genius to be honest. There are incredible moments of stupidity, but the entertainment value is top-notch. I HIGHLY recommend seeing it if you enjoyed the other films/TV show. It's the best one. See if in 3D, it's pretty funny.

Bottom Line: 7.7 out of 10. Pure enjoyment, no strings attached. What better way to spend a few bucks and truly escape from everything for a couple hours?

Up in the Air, CLOOOOONEEEEEEEEEY

Seriously, George Clooney is the fucking man. It's a simple premise that is 100% accurate. That guy is smoother than frog's fur.

Now, the film review. Up in the Air follows around Clooney, an older, ultra-wise, man who fires people for a living. He is the ultimate Mariano Rivera. He is Alec Baldwin in Glengerry Glen Ross, minus the douchebaggery. He flies around the country, just axing people in a nice, positive way. He lives on the road and relishes the fact his life can essentially fit in a suitcase. His company plans on eliminating the flying and do firings via webcam. Clooney takes the new girl around and shows her the "ropes". He meanwhile carries out a relationship with Vera Farmiga (Matt Damon's gurl in DepAHTed) that works because he is his female equivalent, OR SO YOU THINK. Clooney's one goal is to get to 10 million flier miles and remain his COOL self. His relationship gets more serious, hijinx ensue, and a good movie results. It's an adult drama that really gets after the core of what relationships bring to the table. Superb acting and script make this a VERY solid movie. I understand why this was an underground BEST PICTURE favorite.

Bottom Line: 8.6 out of 10. I was a big fan and it is certainly worth ON DEMANDING it via HBO. FYI, HBO owes me some money for my ringing endorsement to the 4 people who read this consistently.

Editor's side note: Sam Elliot is in this movie, so IT HAS TO BE EPIC.

Side note rant: Every movie has 15 fucking minutes of the same trailers on it. I used to love trailers, but not for that bullshit retarded train movie with Captain Kirk Jr. and Denzel. Unstoppable will be my thoughts of suicide after watching 2 hours of trains and the dipshit, insane drama that ensues coupled with Chris Pine's totally inadequate acting. Necessary evil though, I got to watch 2 minutes of TRUE GRIT and the art of the trailer TOTALLY REDEEMS ITSELF.

Social Network, GO FUCK YOURSELF

So... You can see I was not such a big fan of the social network. My problem with being a realist gets in the way quite a bit in movies. I hated the character of Mark Zuckerberg SO MUCH, compounded by him being played by Jesse Eisenberg, that little fuck. He's just unbearable to me. His character is a complete fucking DIPSHIT and I can't fathom anyone being so fucking dumb. Everyone in this movie is fucking dumb. Premise: computer genius makes up a website that compares two girls together illegally on Harvard's campus. He gains fame for being a computer guy and two rich guys and their resident computer guy pitch him an idea of match.com only with Harvard students only. Mark gets hired to make it and he instead spawns facebook. Facebook takes off and he gets rich by being retarded in all business aspects and screwing over his best friend, meanwhile befriending colossal fuck-up Sean Parker (Napster dude.). SIDENOTE: JT is the fucking man. I should hate every part of him, but he is just awesome in all he does.
I didn't like a story about the building of a 25 billion dollar empire that I use daily. How does that get fucked up? I'm thinking I couldn't get past my shear hatred of the characters, so I guess that's probably what happened. It's not bad, but I certainly didn't get 5 bucks worth out of it.

Bottom Line: 5.3 out of 10. I was truly not entertained to any extent. I laughed once and made a bunch of petty, snide comments the entire time because I couldn't stand how fucking dumb everyone was. I really don't recommend seeing this fucking thing. It did make me want to read the book on what really happened with facebook, since it did such a shit-poor job of telling the story. Fuck Jesse Eisenberg. I seriously said this movie would be a much greater success if he got punched in the fucking mouth.

South Park, best show ever?

South Park is simply amazing due to the fact every year it stays relevant to current issues, in essence being social commentators, while staying incredibly funny even without the story. Think of how many catch phrases South Park is responsible for? They were the first to throw Paris Hilton under the bus for being a stupid spoiled whore. They have great opinions that are always dead-on. Tearing apart Scientology and Mormonism, WAY AHEAD OF THE CURVE. Just page through the episodes sometime at www.allsp.com or www.southparkzone.com and relive the greatness. Page through the seasons and just remember how many of the episodes are awesome.

South Park started out as that show with foul-mouthed kids no parent wanted their kids to watch and has metamorphosed into a smart show that is topic related, while still preserving the ever-funny kids. They use the innocence of children to show the wrongs of society, and show how hilarious it can be to take a fresh "kids" perspective to "complicated" topics. South Park in essence also raised Comedy Central to new levels of popularity and riches. Matt and Trey should be allowed to walk on the backs of interns in and out of the building. It amazes me that after 14 seasons they aren't like Simpson's or Family Guy where I just stopped watching inexplicably because it isn't fresh anymore. Shit's played out. South Park has avoided that with little trouble by never being afraid of poking fun at anything including itself, religion, politics, death, abortion, LITERALLY ANYTHING. It's just amazing how they have no fear of anything, but also to make fun of things in a way to raise awareness and educate, but still be fucking hilarious.

I LOVE SOUTH PARK. I honestly think it's the best show on TV and possibly ever with it's run of amazing and unparalleled success on cable.

Sons of Anarchy, Getting Old Yet?

I can't get over how great this show is. I just witnessed how Sons of Anarchy ties up all the bullshit loose ends in a 42-minute show like a great storyteller like Grisham holds you until the last 20 pages before resolving everything in amazing fashion leaving you satisfied. I still am awaiting my first dead Mayan of the season, but I can continue waiting knowing that IRA blood is about to be spilt. Apparently spilt is not a word anymore, FUCK. I am a huge fan of keeping agent Stahl (Ally Walker, of THE PROFILER fame) around. That is who I want as my badass FBI agent who is completely believable and I'm throwing saying HOT in her role, despite being 49. I'm liking how the series is focusing no the main characters and the side characters are just merely in minor roles. It allows the real stars of the show to flash their talents. They grabbed great talent, it's nice to let them show it.

I am witnessing my first Miami Heat related fit of uncontrollable rage. THEY PLAYED THE FUCKING PISTONS IN A PRESEASON GAME, I DON'T NEED TIM LEGLER TALKING OUT OF HIS ASS FOR FIVE MINUTES ABOUT IT OR TEN MINUTES TALKING ABOUT DWAYNE WADE LEAVING WITH A TENDER HAMSTRING. Anyone that gives a flying fuck about that game go try to rewire your house wearing chain mail armor in a lightning storm you piece of shit. Did I get ten minutes on the Bucks beating the Bulls, NOPE. I got Anderson telling us preseason doesn't matter. NO FUCKING SHIT CAPTAIN FAGGOT.