Time to get back to the meat and potatoes of this thing.
Men Who Stare at Goats- A lot of great actors populate this strange film that is probably more true then we'd really like. It follows a writer (Ewan McGregor) who interviews what he thought to be a crazy man played by Milton form Office Space (Stephen Root). Root's character more or less tells Obi-Won he was part of a large group of psychics the government trained to be "Jedi warriors". Jeff Bridges plays THE DUDE, only he's employed by the army to train psychic super soldiers. Clooney is the prized pupil who McGregor runs into in Iraq and they sharea quirky/zany adventure full of weirdness. It has some funny moments, but I would not under any circumstances recommend full viewing of this film. I did laugh a few times, but it's overall just really strange and weird. Drags on for too long and really accomplishes nothing.
Bottom Line: 3.5 out of 10
Book of Eli- This was monumentally disappointing for me. A film that would use Denzel Washtington as an unreal BADASS who kills stuff and walks around with a bible seemed too good to be possible. Chip in Gary Oldman and Mila Kunis and this seemed like a home run in the making. There are about 3 badass parts in this entire shitshow. I'm going to just ruin the fucking thing because it's terrible. There is a nuclear holocaust where most people are wiped out, or the sky opens and burns earth to shitty ash. The bible is blamed for it and they are all systematically destroyed. Denzel carries around the last King James bible in his pack and won't let anyone touch the thing. He kills a few people and continues walking West because that's what God wants him to do. He runs into a rundown town to trade some things, ends up killing a bunch of people and the town leader (Oldman) takes a liking to him. Oldman throws Kunis at him to try to show him a "good time", she sees the book and Oldman tortures the information out of her. Denzel goes back on the road, Kunis forces him to take her along. HERE IS WHERE I RUIN THE MOVIE FOR YOU. Oldman and the bunch of crazy folk in the town shoot up everybody and take the bible, shooting Denzel in the gut and leaving him. Kunis then breaks free of them and drives back to Denzel, they just run off with the bible because it is going to be used to brainwash everyone into doing what Oldman wants, the ultimate source of power 30 years after the holocaust. Denzel and Kunis make it out West to Alcatraz where Malcolm McDowell has set up a printing press and starts publishing books and Denzel gives the bible to him, verse by verse. For those keeping track at home, try reciting a 1,000 page book sometime. Oldman finds out the bible is in braille, Denzel lives to finish the job, dies, the bible is printed and Kunis just leaves to do her own thing. So the ultimate kick in the balls is that Denzel is blind the entire FUCKING TIME. He kills 30 guys being blind, shoots people being blind, and has survived 30 years in nuclear winter being blind. FUCKKKKKK. If it sounds dumb, it's because it REALLY IS. I was SUPER disappointed and it really does suck ass.
Bottom Line: 2.5 out of 10, EPIC FAIL. Do not waste your time, but hopefully Youtube compiles Denzel just straight murdering folk.
Twilight- It's on Showtime, so I figured if I want to do this for real I need to see this piece of shit so I can tear it to pieces properly. Purely disappointed in it because I was as entertained as I am when I watch a blank screen. Someone explain to me how that film was good at all? Is that ho true love is supposed to be? A really creepy punch of pail people hanging out and not doing much of anything? It's nice how they preface the next film a little bit, but my GOD there is nothing of interest here. I really need to know how people think that movie is decent. If you are a man DO NOT SEE THIS FILM. If you are an emo, go for it, because that discounts you from being a man. I really figured it was more entertaining and less sappy crappy bullshit. WOW, they just met and they are in love for eternity, AWESOME.
Bottom Line: 3.5 out of 10. Do not even see just because it's free on Showtime.
I've had a total shitshowing for films this last week. Maybe I'll try Sherlock Holmes and see if that ends this streak of shit garbage.
Super Bowl picks: Vikes vs. Colts. Which QB is more COUNTRY, the cajun, or the Mississippi redneck?
Yeah, I have seen both of the Twilight's and as I said before, in the first one I was waiting for the rape scene in the second half. The guy just lurks areound as if he's waiting to chloroform her. Pretty terrible, it's a two hour movie that acomplishes nothing....
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