Expendables 2: MORE EXPENDABLER

You know what you're getting into when you walk into this movie. Old dudes, guns, action, shitty acting & cliches, and explosions. It delivers on all levels. It's pretty entertaining honestly. It's straight forward, fails at humor attempts and drama, but there's a shitload of shooting and SPLOSIONS. I pretty much called the plot out from moment 1, but it's still not disappointing. Again I think Stallone is in the movie WAYYY too much and the other "stars" get underused, Jet Li CRIMINALLY underused. Plot: Stallone (Barney Ross) still owes Bruce Willis (Church) from the first Expendables movie because despite destroying the entire army on the island, he failed Willis' mission. Stallone is to retrieve a box in Eastern Europe, bring it back to America, everyone is equal. Box retrieval turns into an unholy shitshow, craziness ensues, Jean Claude Van Damme= BAD GUY who must die & lose. It panders to a certain audience and I subscribe to being entertained by shameless and crazy violence, call me weird.

Bottom Line: 6.8 out of 10. I was entertained for an hour of this, and that's not too bad. A few cheap laughs hit, lots of sweet violencia. I don't know if you should pay money to see this unless you know you love shameless death and violence, but it's fun.

J. Edgar- J. Edgar SNOOZER more like it

Leo DiCaprio went in search of Oscar hardware doing a difficult biopic on J. Edgar Hoover. The J. stands for John by the way, shocker! Problem being the interesting parts of Hoover's life, spying, cross-dressing, having people killed, etc, are really not enhanced enough to make it interesting. What you end up with is 2.5 hours of an old guy talking like an old guy about his life in a boring way. There's so little interesting it's honestly offensive to think it was a major motion picture. I'd expect this shit from the History channel, minus Eastwide and Di Caprio, Naomi Watts I can see in a History Channel picture, provided it filmed in Australia. I love history and found some solace in hearing what I presume was Hoover's own words about the events he defined in American history. Bottom Line: 5.9 out of 10. Really unimpressive stuff from impressive people. Disappointing and uninteresting to the core.

Total Recall- Colin Ferrell Edition

I never saw the original Total Recall completely, so it's probably better that way. I was actually surprised with the film because it was decent. It gets a little ridiculous, I believe they broke the record for most bullets shot without hitting anyone originally held by Rambo 3, but I lived with it. The story is Colin Ferrell has dreams where he and Jessica Biel (HOT) are trying to escape from something and he's captured and she gets away. His wife, Kate Beckinsale (SO HOT), is an EMT worker who seems like the perfect wife. Ferrell doesn't like his life as a factory worker manufacturing synthetic soldiers and yearns for more. He goes to "Rekall" where they implant whatever memory you want, but the catch is it has to be a lie with no basis in reality. Since Ferrell wants to play a secret agent, but actually is one, it all goes to shit. He's on the run, everyone he knows is trying to kill him and it gets a little ridiculous. There wasn't anything glaring that I screamed bullshit at, but they escape with 30 machine guns firing at them from a glass room somehow and things like that happen a few times and it gets hard to chew. It moves at a nice pace and has plenty of action, so that isn't terrible.

Bottom Line: 6.7 out of 10. It wasn't awful, just nothing special, as you probably could have guessed without ever seeing it. God I love Kate Beckinsale.

Nitro Circus 3D

I wasn't super familiar with Nitro Circus. I knew they were kind of like Jackass, only Travis Pastrana legitimized them and they had more talent. This movie is motorsports porn pretty much. It's just a bunch of jumps, ramps, tricks, on modified big wheels, motorbikes, and other stuff. It's pretty impressive, but it was pretty much a promotional video for their live show in Vegas. I'm betting heavily they are going to try a nationwide tour because that's the only way this made any sense. It a bunch of high jumps with motor vehicles make your dick hard, I've found your film. They aren't as funny or charismatic as Jackass, but they have a lot more talent. I choose Jackass personally, but I'm not a big "motorhead". 3D was kind of cool, but it's not worth paying for, unless motortricks gives you pleasure.

Bottom Line: 6.2 out of 10. It's entertaining, mindless fun, but not worth throwing money at, similar to Jackass 3D.

The Watch

The Watch simply combines the almost standard roles of Ben Stiller (over-serious aging guy, Vince Vaughn (Loveable slacker, I think he says "I dig it" about 7 times, and Jonah Hill (Profane loser/momma's boy) into a comedy including aliens. Upon the murder of Stiller's Costco security guard (Side note: If Costco didn't chip in for this film I'd be shocked) he forms a neighborhood watch. Their job of patrolling the neighborhood is made infinitely more difficult by the hilarious Will Forte as a local Sgt, and aliens murdering people. It's cheap laughs and a barely plausible plot that's a cheap vehicle for the mentioned actors to make easy money being characters they have figured out. You'll laugh sometimes, that's about it.

Bottom Line: 6.8 out of 10. It's worth seeing when it's free because of some laughs, but that's about it. Pretty much a Shaun of the Dead with aliens and less British accents.

Summer Olympics, SO AWESOME

I am just ecstatic to watch some Olympic greatness. I love the team handball, badminton, tennis (especially doubles), table tennis, water polo, volleyball, and pretty much everything not covered on mainstream NBC. I like swimming, track & field, and gymnastics, but those other sports are so frenetic and exciting I feel they mop the floor with the old standards. Handball scores in like 30-28, how great is that? Badminton points happen in the blink of an eye, same with table tennis. There's almost as much doubles as singles for tennis on Bravo. It's just been a joy. I seriously wish I could take another week off of work and just soak in all the programming. Any sports I'm missing here?

USA baby.

Arrested Development

I had some time this week to go through the entire series of Arrested Development and I loved it. It's an amazing combination of talent and chemistry. You will never get a collection to match Jason Bateman, Will Arnett, David Cross, Jeff Tambor, Jessica Walter, Portia de Rossi, and Michael Cera. They work SO well together and have the comedic chemistry that you can't create, it just flows beautifully. There are great running jokes throughout and just excellent writing. I don't know where this show failed, but I'm thinking it was too smart perhaps, or it's difficult to jump in after a few episodes and it didn't start out hot enough, or just bad marketing, in any case it was a tragedy. That cast left with fond memories, but the show left too much on the table. Apparently there will be movie made, but it won't be enough. Premise: Incredibly screwed up family owns a real estate company and they get into crazy situations, but you can't possibly make-up the great situations, it's amazing. If you've never seen it, you need to watch from episode 1 and go from there. If you don't like it, I'd be amazed.

Bottom Line: 8.8 out of 10 and probably the best comedy on regular TV, right up there with Modern Family only a little more racy. Well done throughout and a must-see.

Dark Knight Rises

I was completely floored with how good this film was. I, like all others, had to worry that topping The Dark Knight and ending this amazing film trilogy wouldn't be possible. That this, like most other sequels and series climaxes had to be disappointing. That is simply not the case. Christopher Nolan is the best director/writer we have. His cast is sublime: The usual's: Michael Caine, Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, and Morgan Freeman are all in top form, and that's saying something. Caine is the best Alfred possible and gives a few dialogues that were heart-wrenching and amazing, truly brought something special to this film. Newcomers Anne Hathaway (SO HOT), Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hardy, Marion Cotillard and Matthew Modine (among others) all do an amazing job. The story twists and turns and you have no idea what's going to happen next and you are NEVER in control. It's just great film-making on all levels. It's easier to just say everything is great and there's only minor things to even nit-pick about. I left the theater thinking it was the best film I've seen on the big screen and possibly ever.

Bottom Line: 9.9 out of 10. It's the best action/drama film ever made and is the definition of a must-see film. Improving upon it is just personal opinion I feel and there are only about 3-4 things I would've TWEAKED, not even changed. All other directors/filmmakers/writers should be forced to just take notes on Christopher Nolan and how he develops a story and characters. I was blown away. At this point I put it as the best film I can think of with Schindler's List, and that's the highest praise I can think of. They are certainly different films that I don't like comparing, but you can see the greatness in all aspects with both.

SEE THIS IMMEDIATELY, it's a disservice you yourself if you don't. I almost told an older couple going to Spiderman to just turn back around, get tickets to Dark Knight Rises and thank me later. Epic stuff, truly epic.

Traffic

I dusted off the Steven Soderbergh classing Traffic because I honestly didn't remember much about it when asked. It's an excellent film lead by an amazing cast of: Benicio del Toro, Don Cheadle, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Mike Douglas, Salma Hayek, Topher Grace, and Dennis Quaid to name a few. You'll recognize others, but that's not the point. It's a great story on drugs and the relevancy in rich, white people America, as well as in Mexico and America in general. It weaves a group of stories together expertly and with talent EVERYWHERE. The roles are played perfectly and the stories run at a frenetic, yet expertly controlled pace.

Bottom line: 9.1 out of 10. Just a great film that is another MUST SEE movie if you've never experienced. I can't imagine anyone not liking the film due to the excellent quality at every turn.

A Clockwork Orange

I gave another run at a classic film that's gotten Malcolm McDowell works for the last 40 years. A Clockwork Orange is a great film that takes a still relevant and probably always will be topic of society running lives and making everyone a helpless robot and the effects that can have. If you don't know the story McDowell runs a gang of thugs that enjoy beatings, robbery, and rape to pass the boring nights in England. He accidentally murders a lady, gets caught, off to prison. In prison he finds a program of "rehabilitation" run by the newly elected government. It makes him violently ill during his violent or sexual urges. Society runs over his newly pussified form and it makes for great stuff.

Bottom Line: 8.9 out of 10. It's on Encore, go see it somehow if you haven't. It's a little long at around 2 hours, but it's done in a great fashion by Kubrick and it's a very interesting subject to think about.